you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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