i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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