two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
