I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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