I think my fart just growled at me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
