i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize