You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
