he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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