I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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