My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
