my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
