Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
