I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
