you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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