I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
