someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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