Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize