nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
