I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
