hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
