i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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