I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
