Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
