So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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