she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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