I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
