Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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