Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
