Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
