If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
my poor anus
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
