taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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