a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
