Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
