you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
