I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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