I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
