It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
try to milk me bitch
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