You made me cry and you don't even care
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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