First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you will always have a special place in my vag
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
