I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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