Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Randomize
