Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're a disaster
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