you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
