all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
