woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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