The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
