I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize