you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
