i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
