Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
