yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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