You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
