Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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