Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
