My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
